I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
