I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
