So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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