Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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