when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm passing your future prison.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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