Dude my mom stole all your condoms
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
