She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
