Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
