im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
