Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
