they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
