He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
