i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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