this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
