go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
