The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
