so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
