My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just high enough for therapy.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
