is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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