I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize