so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
