guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
third nipple confirmed
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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