I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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