I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
