im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
