You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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