Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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