I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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