I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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