Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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