i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
