I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I know her cup size but not her name....
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
