thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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