we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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