apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
