You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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