just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
