I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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