I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i was born a porn star she said
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
