i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
