Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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