I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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