she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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