I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
