She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
