everyone is single if you try hard enough
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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