I accidentally burped into my bong.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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