Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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