i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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