You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Someone shattered a urinal.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
