my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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