I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize