I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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