def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize