I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
